Not long after we were married, we went out to eat sushi one night, and the tuna in my sushi roll didn’t sit well in my stomach. I knew on the drive home that it was just a matter of time before it came back up but I didn’t say anything about it because I knew we were going home and were likely about to have sex. My stomach was churning, intermittent waves of nausea hitting but it was business time, and I didn’t want to ruin the mood. We were right in the middle of having sex when it hit me, the watery mouth sensation that always precedes the upheaval of gastric contents. I started sweating and inwardly panicking, imagining nothing more unsexy than vomiting right in the middle of having sex with my new husband.
Thankfully I escaped that horror, just barely making it to the bathroom in time to purge my stomach of the bad tuna I’d consumed. That was pretty unsexy, knowing that my new husband could hear me puking in the bathroom right after sex.
It’s hilarious looking back on that night now. But after a few years of being married, and navigating the waters of sex in marriage, probably the sexiest thing I could have done that night was communicated with my husband and say ‘hey I don’t feel like having sex tonight, I think that tuna was bad and I feel like I’m going to throw up.’ But that kind of straightforward, honest communication when it came to sex never crossed my mind as an option.
That’s the secret we’ve found to the best sex–communication. I know, how unsexy is that?
It will likely be awkward, it will definitely be vulnerable, but there’s no alternative. Communication will cover just about any misunderstanding, frustration or argument in your marriage concerning sex.
Your husband cannot read your mind, and you cannot read his mind.
How in the world was my poor husband supposed to know he was dangerously close to being vomited on that night while we were having sex if I didn’t tell him I felt terrible and was not up for having sex? He couldn’t have known because I did not communicate with him.
Sex is one of the most crucial areas of communication in marriage, and it’s absurd to believe that you and your husband are the exceptions and that you ‘just know when the other wants to.’ I just don’t buy that crap. If he’s feeling you up on the couch while you’re catching up on Netflix then maybe you can catch his vibes. But neither of you are mind readers, don’t fall prey to thinking that you are the exception to straightforward communication when it comes to sex in your marriage.
Many of you may feel like I did for so long, that I had to be ready, available and willing every moment of every day. That not only unreasonable but also impossible. It is ok not to want to have sex every waking moment of your life. But you need to communicate about it.
Maybe you’re not a morning person, and your hubs is. Maybe he wakes up ready to go and the only thing you’re ready to do is to pull the covers over your head. That’s ok, but you have to communicate. Maybe it’s not right then, but you need to communicate with him that not now doesn’t mean never.
Sex is too good; it’s too good of a gift to miss out on all it could be because it might be too awkward to talk about. Start talking about sex!