I have a confession. Today I am scared. I am terrified of what is in front of me. And today I feel so much shame. I feel the shame of working part time jobs and not having a plan that guarantees security and allows others to perceive me as a big girl, because today, I feel like a child.
Sometimes learning to grow up and entering the real world is like walking a tightrope trying to find a balance with your eyes fixed on what step comes next, crossing your fingers that you won’t fall off. Some days you are balanced, and you keep walking, and other days, fear keeps you from taking any steps on all because the foundation underneath seems so small. Today, I feel like the clumsy tightrope walker.
Today is one of those days that my identity is being shaken because I am putting it in a salary job, in having it all together, in being the girl who can graduate and then land that dream job. It’s on days like this that I recognize how much my identity is in so many things other than the Lord. It’s when you feel so small, like the size of an itty bitty flower that is in the ground while you are watching all the other flowers bloom so high and mighty. It’s on days like today that I fall to my knees in prayer and I hear Jesus say, “It’s okay. I am not disappointed in you. I am NOT embarrassed by you. Nothing in this world will satisfy. I satisfy. And my mark on your life is what sets your apart, not a certain income, not a certain job title.”
Jesus is with you, in this exact moment. He is inside of you. He is surrounding you. He is above you, below you, behind you. In this moment, feel his presence around you. Close your eyes and breathe, paying close attention to the breath entering in and exiting your body, and know that the one is sustaining your breath is with you. He is right by your side.
So, be where you are and be gentle with yourself. Be okay with not having everything together. Be thankful for the concrete things that you do have, your community, your God who will walk with you through seasons of transition, and whose love for you is not dependent on your ability to succeed or fail, but stems from his abundance of love that will carry you from glory to glory as you lean into Him and listen to His voice.