Okay, we don’t actually fight.

But there’s probably at least one person (maybe two) that was shocked or even offended at the idea.

My husband and I don’t fight; I promise.

But we do argue, and we do disagree.  And we aren’t afraid of it.

Okay, now someone is thinking we probably need marital counseling. And don’t we all?  Even the ones that think they have it all figured out- it’s probably more likely that they stuff it under the rug.

My husband and I disagree, and, for the most part, we do it with love and with confidence. We think it is a good thing to exercise our right to have our own opinion, and we believe it grows us and challenges us when are able to see from the other’s point of view.

So what’s so bad about that?

That’s the thing.  There’s nothing bad about that (when it’s done in love and with respect), but somehow, over time, this misconception has become widely popular (especially in legalistic pockets):

Submitting to your husband means you cannot confront or challenge him.

Y’all that is just plain wrong.

I will speak only about my marriage because that is the only one I have experience in.

I made a vow to my husband on our wedding day to submit to him as he submits to Christ. 

But what about when he is not submitting to Christ?  What about when he is walking in sin?  Do I just stand back and watch and keep my mouth shut because “I submit.”

Absolutely not.

Because I also made a vow on our wedding day to always call him to a higher place, to call out the gold in him, and to walk with him through the difficult times as he grows.

I did not vow to stand off to the side and watch him fall away from a Godly lifestyle because “I submit.”

So I confront my husband.  I call him out when he isn’t kind or when he isn’t behaving in a way that is honoring to the Lord or to our family. I respect him (or at least I try to) in the process, but I don’t just agree with him or tell him he is right because “that’s what a good wife does.”

I love my husband far too much to allow him to stay in sin in the name of submitting.

Submitting to my husband should never mean that I am putting the will of my husband before the will of Christ, and submitting should never mean that I am enabling ungodly behavior. It should also never mean that I lose my ability to think for myself or be a powerful person, and it should certainly never mean that I am always wrong (though I certainly am sometimes).

There will be times when I am right, and my husband is wrong.

And that is okay.

Because we are a team, and while my husband is the head of our household and the leader of our family, that does not make him exempt from correction. When we chose to become one, we chose to draw upon one another’s strengths, and build each other up where we are weak.  And in order to build one another up where we are weak, we need to be able to call one another out in our weaknesses.

If submitting to my husband meant he was always right, that I always had to agree with him, or that I could never confront him then we would never grow in our marriage because we would never touch on my husband’s weaknesses. Instead, over time I would slowly lose my voice, and I would slowly transform into a different person- and my husband probably wouldn’t like that very much.

Because he didn’t marry himself. He married me.

So we confront, and we do it in love. We disagree, and we are okay with it.  Sometimes one or the other of us shift our perspective, and sometimes we don’t.  We walk away understanding one another but still disagreeing.

But we always grow in it.  Some growth is super fast, and other growth is slow.

But we always, always grow.