Whether at a bachelorette party, lingerie, shower or just having girl talk with friends, the question ‘what’s you best sex advice?’ has come up a few times recently.  I’m no therapist or psychologist, and I don’t have some long-standing sexual history to speak from so I usually defer to whoever else is in the room.  But I got put on the spot recently at a bachelorette party, sitting around a table sipping on cocktails when someone asked ‘Meredith what’s your best sex advice?’

When someone asks my advice, I take it very seriously.  I never want to answer flippantly or without thought.  So when I was asked this question directly, I swirled the ice around in my glass and fidgeted with my rings, racking my brain for something to say that wasn’t totally weird or lame.

‘Don’t fake having an orgasm’ is what came out of my mouth.  Immediately I freaked out wondering why in the world I had just said something like that or if the girls around the table thought I was a total weirdo.

There were times I remember thinking early on in my marriage ‘what the hell is wrong with me and why is this taking so long?!’ only to then become stressed out and anxious, both of which are not conducive to having an enjoyable and relaxing time together.

No one ever gave me that advice, but I remember consciously making the decision one day within our first few months of marriage that I was not going to ever fake having an orgasm.  Not only would that be disingenuous but it would only compound any guilt or shame I felt in the area of sex in our marriage.  I could foresee it being a dangerous path to fake something so intimate and so vulnerable.

Since then I’ve learned that it’s a thing that apparently women do and I totally get it.  Some days its about all one can do to crawl into bed.  No one wants to be that wife who is too tired to have sex when you know your husband wants to.  So you rally and engage, but if you end up faking it, it’s even more hurtful to a husband than simply having his initiatives rejected because you’re too tired or not in the mood or whatever the reason.

If you can never quite get there are don’t have the drive, there may be an organic cause so never discount that possibility.  Medications, hormone changes, and even season changes all have profound effects on our physiology.  But to be real and to be honest with sex, just like with anything else in life, requires vulnerability.   Vulnerability comes through conversation and communication

Talk about it and communicate, but don’t fake it.